Top Five Tips for Forming a Healthy Relationship, and the Top Five Tips to make it last Forever!
With all the advice out there on how to create a lasting relationship you can be
bombarded with weird personal anecdotes, irrelevant advice, and just some really
weird ideas. So here I am adding my ideas to the pile about forming a great
relationship and creating a lasting marriage. However, instead of using
irrelevant random personal experience I want to give research based ideas that
one way or another should really apply to every relationship. But what if
you're just in the beginning of a relationship? It's hard to apply all the
marriage tips if the relationship is still fresh and new. So lets call this the
list of Beginning to Forever
Social Exchange theory is the economic way to look at relationships. Someone looking at their relationship with social exchange eyes takes a cost benefit analysis of the relationship and decides, if they are getting enough benefit out of it. A Social Exchangist will always put himself first in the scenario, you can characterize them by imagining them always using the phrase, “what’s in it for me?” A partner can evaluate their relationship satisfaction at any given time and decide it’s not worth it to them. (Bradbury, 2014) When you have a committed relationship using the lens of social exchange theory could lead to a lot of disappointment.
* If you want to learn more about social exchange theory click here
2: Think about your standards and ideals.
In the book Intimate Relationships it defines the differences between standards and ideals. A standard would be something a person would demand in a relationship like someone who is ambitious, and an ideal represents what someone would wish for, like a partner with a 4.0 GPA, it would be nice to have that trait in a partner but it isn’t necessary. (Bradbury, 2014, pg. 310-311) The reason why this is important is you really need to evaluate what the important things are in your relationships. You may desire to have a really good looking partner, but in the perspective of life it hardly holds any significance at all. Look at your standards and ideals and really decide what are important parts of your life, and what are the things that you can let go.
3: Talk about Beliefs and Values of Relationships
The way you believe a relationship should be and function can really become a self fulfilling prophecy.(Hawkins,”Beliefs, and Values, 10/23, Slide#9) If you believe that relationships last and grow over time and through trials it can become that way, if you believe that relationships are two people that were meant to find each other and if something goes wrong they just weren’t “the one,” it can go sour quickly. Evaluate your beliefs and talk with your partner about it. If you both have a belief in lasting relationship through growth and hard work it can be a wonderful self fulfilling prophecy.
4:Evaluate your Social Networks
Consider your social networks and your partners networks, what support systems do you have through friends, and family. Are there friends who prompt you to give every detail about your relationship? Will having someone besides your partner involved in your relationship be a good thing? Intimate relationships are stronger when the couples social networks overlap. If your social networks are on board it can help bring you two together and form a team like unit, but if they aren’t supportive this could cause a divide in your relationship.(Bradbury, 2014, pg.414)
5:Discuss gender roles with each other
Discussing gender roles with your partner is a great way to establish what the important roles are that each of you plays in the relationship. As men and women you have separate masculine and feminine traits, these individual qualities can create a balanced home, but discussing those roles is a great way to make sure you understand your responsibilities and in what way you specifically can care for your partner.
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”
( Proclamation To The World, 1995)
To read the entire document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” click right here.
And the Five for Forever
1:encourage divine intervention
Probably one of, if not, the most important part of a forever relationship is a relationship with God. The love Triangle shown here shows that we can individually connect with God, and as a couple connect to him.(Hawkins, “self regulation”, 10/30, slide#9) Connecting our relationship with the Lord helps us see our spouse as God sees them, thus giving us the ability to love someone for their potential and divine worth, and not for imperfect partner they are in the moment.
2: Don’t Slide, Decide!
When you decide on forever, you have to commit to forever, it’s so easy to gradually just move in or out of a commitment, but there can be instability and danger in that. in the journal article Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment, they clearly state this problem.
“People slid into having sex, people slide into having children. People slide into dangerous relationships. In contrast to sliding, there are strong conceptual reasons to suggest that clear decisions generally build the most resilient intentions.” (Stanley, 2010)
So decide on forever, and decide TOGETHER.
3:Learn Self Regulation
Becoming a master of self regulation is a life-long task. Accepting our flaws is one thing, but trying to work on them is quite another. One study stated that “it is common for maritally distressed partners to resist making changes requested by the other “(Baucom & Epstein, 1990) Why is it that when the person we love makes a suggestion we choose to ignore it? This won’t come easily but it is a goal each of us should have to make sure we are continually growing for good, and especially growing in ways our spouse sees we need improvement. Here are five easy steps to follow to assist in self regulation 1.Describe the issue 2. Focus on your own behavior 3.Set a goal and clearly state it 4. Take action, and clearly define what you’ll DO 5. Then after evaluate how it went.(Hawkins, “Self-Regulations”, 10/30, Slide #4)
4:Recognize your stressors
Stress is obviously a huge factor in relationship conflict. Couples can let minor stresses build up until it has them convinced that something is wrong with their relationship, when it’s very likely that something may just be wrong with their environment
“The moment that two partners who are arguing with each other think “Hey, we are both just irritable because we’ve had really stressful days at work,” a lot of the blame that motivates arguments ought to evaporate.” (Bradbury,2014, pg. 391)
So recognize your stressors as a couple, address when it’s an actual problem with your relationship, or when it’s just been a bad day.
5: Never give up, Never surrender
With all the advice out there on how to create a lasting relationship you can be
bombarded with weird personal anecdotes, irrelevant advice, and just some really
weird ideas. So here I am adding my ideas to the pile about forming a great
relationship and creating a lasting marriage. However, instead of using
irrelevant random personal experience I want to give research based ideas that
one way or another should really apply to every relationship. But what if
you're just in the beginning of a relationship? It's hard to apply all the
marriage tips if the relationship is still fresh and new. So lets call this the
list of Beginning to Forever
Social Exchange theory is the economic way to look at relationships. Someone looking at their relationship with social exchange eyes takes a cost benefit analysis of the relationship and decides, if they are getting enough benefit out of it. A Social Exchangist will always put himself first in the scenario, you can characterize them by imagining them always using the phrase, “what’s in it for me?” A partner can evaluate their relationship satisfaction at any given time and decide it’s not worth it to them. (Bradbury, 2014) When you have a committed relationship using the lens of social exchange theory could lead to a lot of disappointment.
* If you want to learn more about social exchange theory click here
2: Think about your standards and ideals.
In the book Intimate Relationships it defines the differences between standards and ideals. A standard would be something a person would demand in a relationship like someone who is ambitious, and an ideal represents what someone would wish for, like a partner with a 4.0 GPA, it would be nice to have that trait in a partner but it isn’t necessary. (Bradbury, 2014, pg. 310-311) The reason why this is important is you really need to evaluate what the important things are in your relationships. You may desire to have a really good looking partner, but in the perspective of life it hardly holds any significance at all. Look at your standards and ideals and really decide what are important parts of your life, and what are the things that you can let go.
3: Talk about Beliefs and Values of Relationships
The way you believe a relationship should be and function can really become a self fulfilling prophecy.(Hawkins,”Beliefs, and Values, 10/23, Slide#9) If you believe that relationships last and grow over time and through trials it can become that way, if you believe that relationships are two people that were meant to find each other and if something goes wrong they just weren’t “the one,” it can go sour quickly. Evaluate your beliefs and talk with your partner about it. If you both have a belief in lasting relationship through growth and hard work it can be a wonderful self fulfilling prophecy.
4:Evaluate your Social Networks
Consider your social networks and your partners networks, what support systems do you have through friends, and family. Are there friends who prompt you to give every detail about your relationship? Will having someone besides your partner involved in your relationship be a good thing? Intimate relationships are stronger when the couples social networks overlap. If your social networks are on board it can help bring you two together and form a team like unit, but if they aren’t supportive this could cause a divide in your relationship.(Bradbury, 2014, pg.414)
5:Discuss gender roles with each other
Discussing gender roles with your partner is a great way to establish what the important roles are that each of you plays in the relationship. As men and women you have separate masculine and feminine traits, these individual qualities can create a balanced home, but discussing those roles is a great way to make sure you understand your responsibilities and in what way you specifically can care for your partner.
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”
( Proclamation To The World, 1995)
To read the entire document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” click right here.
And the Five for Forever
1:encourage divine intervention
Probably one of, if not, the most important part of a forever relationship is a relationship with God. The love Triangle shown here shows that we can individually connect with God, and as a couple connect to him.(Hawkins, “self regulation”, 10/30, slide#9) Connecting our relationship with the Lord helps us see our spouse as God sees them, thus giving us the ability to love someone for their potential and divine worth, and not for imperfect partner they are in the moment.
2: Don’t Slide, Decide!
When you decide on forever, you have to commit to forever, it’s so easy to gradually just move in or out of a commitment, but there can be instability and danger in that. in the journal article Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment, they clearly state this problem.
“People slid into having sex, people slide into having children. People slide into dangerous relationships. In contrast to sliding, there are strong conceptual reasons to suggest that clear decisions generally build the most resilient intentions.” (Stanley, 2010)
So decide on forever, and decide TOGETHER.
3:Learn Self Regulation
Becoming a master of self regulation is a life-long task. Accepting our flaws is one thing, but trying to work on them is quite another. One study stated that “it is common for maritally distressed partners to resist making changes requested by the other “(Baucom & Epstein, 1990) Why is it that when the person we love makes a suggestion we choose to ignore it? This won’t come easily but it is a goal each of us should have to make sure we are continually growing for good, and especially growing in ways our spouse sees we need improvement. Here are five easy steps to follow to assist in self regulation 1.Describe the issue 2. Focus on your own behavior 3.Set a goal and clearly state it 4. Take action, and clearly define what you’ll DO 5. Then after evaluate how it went.(Hawkins, “Self-Regulations”, 10/30, Slide #4)
4:Recognize your stressors
Stress is obviously a huge factor in relationship conflict. Couples can let minor stresses build up until it has them convinced that something is wrong with their relationship, when it’s very likely that something may just be wrong with their environment
“The moment that two partners who are arguing with each other think “Hey, we are both just irritable because we’ve had really stressful days at work,” a lot of the blame that motivates arguments ought to evaporate.” (Bradbury,2014, pg. 391)
So recognize your stressors as a couple, address when it’s an actual problem with your relationship, or when it’s just been a bad day.
5: Never give up, Never surrender
Last but certainly not least, keep your love alive! There are definitely reasons why marriage should end, but don’t let it be because you got lazy and lost sight of each other. There is no better way to sum up this section then with a quote from Elder James E. Faust from April 2007.
“In my experience there is another reason for failure of marriage that seems not so obvious but that precedes and laces through all of the others. It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage, an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, and without which it becomes drudgery or difficult or even dull.”
I hope that some or even one of these tips can inspire to make your relationship a little bit better, and last a little bit longer. Relationships aren’t the easiest thing, but with work they can be the most rewarding.
References
Baucom, D.H., & Epstein, N. (1990) Cognitive behavioral marital therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel
Bradbury, T. (2014). Understanding Each Other. In Intimate relationships (Second ed.,). New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Hawkins, A. (2014). Forming Marital Relations class powerpoints.
Stanley, S., Rhoades, G., & Whitton, S. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, And The Securing Of Romantic Attachment. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 243-257.
Last but certainly not least, keep your love alive! There are definitely reasons why marriage should end, but don’t let it be because you got lazy and lost sight of each other. There is no better way to sum up this section then with a quote from Elder James E. Faust from April 2007.
“In my experience there is another reason for failure of marriage that seems not so obvious but that precedes and laces through all of the others. It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage, an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, and without which it becomes drudgery or difficult or even dull.”
I hope that some or even one of these tips can inspire to make your relationship a little bit better, and last a little bit longer. Relationships aren’t the easiest thing, but with work they can be the most rewarding.
References
Baucom, D.H., & Epstein, N. (1990) Cognitive behavioral marital therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel
Bradbury, T. (2014). Understanding Each Other. In Intimate relationships (Second ed.,). New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Hawkins, A. (2014). Forming Marital Relations class powerpoints.
Stanley, S., Rhoades, G., & Whitton, S. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, And The Securing Of Romantic Attachment. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 243-257.
